I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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