What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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