She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
