When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
