the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
