Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
