I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize