I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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