Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
