well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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