last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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