over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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