I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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