Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
