so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
