i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
