I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
