So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
