Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
