Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
