So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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