im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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