Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
