My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
