Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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