why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
