Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
