Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
