i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
