I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
