he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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