It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
