You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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