So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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