I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
