I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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