whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
