Are we in a gay sports bar?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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