You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize