I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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