Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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