dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you had me at cake vodka
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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