Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
