I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry about my life...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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