I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
