If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
