This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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