I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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