I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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