Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
