she woke up with a sticky ear
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
