Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
