Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
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