you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize