What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
