I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you had me at cake vodka
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
