I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
