I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
