Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
