I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
