I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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