would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
