Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
