Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
