so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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