she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
