i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Bring me that man meat
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
