i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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