Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
