Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
