Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
