Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
